


Unforeseen Complications of Having a Snake in a Bookshop

by Fire_Traveller



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley gets himself into trouble, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Mischief, Misunderstandings, Other, Problems of having a snake in a bookshop, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Worried Aziraphale, a snake playing watchdog - what can possibly go wrong?, annoying biologists, don't make the Serpent of Eden angry, i kinda suck at tags, not everyone is scared of snakes, scared people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25505380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fire_Traveller/pseuds/Fire_Traveller
Summary: Some shops have pets and some pet shops have certain animals roaming about the shop. While a dog or a cat is not too unusual a sight, a snake is definitely not something you'd expect. Especially not in an antique bookshop. Or is it? Crowley decides to take a sunbath and sort of play watchdog in snake shape in the bookshop - well, what could possibly go wrong? A lot, as it turns out, because not everyone is scared of snakes. Some people might find the sight of a snake roaming free in a shop somewhat alarming, and soon enough both Crowley and Aziraphale find themselves in a bit of trouble, as an overly motivated biologist decides to take action...
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 82





	Unforeseen Complications of Having a Snake in a Bookshop

It was a lovely summer day some time after the Almost-Apocalypse – sunny and warm, which wasn’t exactly the usual weather for London. Aziraphale had contemplated leaving the bookshop closed for the day, but really, he had no excuse to do so. The nice weather was his only argument, and this was something that usually led to more shops being _opened_ instead of closed. So, at least until noon, the sign at the door would tell passers-by that the bookshop was actually open. There would still be time for a nice walk in the park in the afternoon, after all.

However, despite the lovely weather and the fact that the shop was open, only very few people dared to set foot in there. This was for one very simple reason, and for a change, it wasn’t the angel trying very hard to politely discourage any potential buyers. Today the reason was entirely demonic in nature: There was a huge black snake lying in the window, basking in the warmth and sunlight. The weather had been way too tempting for Crowley not to take advantage of it in a more reptilian way. If, by doing so, he could ensure that nobody would dare to bother Aziraphale, well, all the better. While Crowley was enjoying the warm sun, the angel had disappeared to lounge in his armchair with a cup of hot cocoa and one of his books. It was a peaceful morning, all in all…

For most people the mere presence of a huge black serpent visible in the window was enough to make them either shake their heads in disbelieve or stare wide-eyed and hurry past the bookshop as fast as possible. Only some very few were foolish enough to knock on the window (mostly kids and teens) or set a curious foot inside the shop, some of them wondering if that snake in the window was actually real and alive or a very well-made and rather peculiar part of indoor decoration. Most of them left as soon as they saw that the snake began to move, but for the few more persistent ones (or, in fact, for all those annoying window-knockers) Crowley rose up and hissed at them angrily. That was definitely enough to send even the most curious people hurrying away.

The last one had been a teenage girl who at first had been staring through the window until Crowley had lazily raised his head to stare back, but instead of being scared off, she’d come straight to the door and started pestering Aziraphale about what kind of snake this was, where he’d got it from and if it was for sale. That was enough. While Aziraphale tried to tell her in the politest tone that he could muster that, no, the snake was most certainly not for sale, this was a bookshop after all, not a pet shop, thank you very much, Crowley felt increasingly annoyed. Yes, this girl had actually called him “cool”, which otherwise would have been flattering, but right now his patience was wearing thin. He rose up with a rather aggressive, loud hiss and pretended to be about to attack and bite. The girl’s eyes grew wide and she began to excuse herself and left. Finally. Peace and quiet were restored. Aziraphale shot Crowley a somewhat disapproving look and shook his head, but the serpent merely cocked his head slightly – he knew the angel well enough to know that he wasn’t really angry with him. Had he been in his human shape, he’d have grinned and shrugged. After all, he’d managed to get the insolent human to leave the shop, right? So, he settled down in the window again and Aziraphale returned to his book.

For now, it had been quiet for a while and Crowley began to doze off a bit. Aziraphale was still reading (he could do that for hours, which never ceased to amaze the demon) – and the silence and warm sunlight were just way too inviting for a slumber. He hardly noticed the bell at the door tingling, and neither did Aziraphale who was too caught up in the book he was reading. What Crowley did notice, however, was when the warm sun was suddenly blocked out by a shadow. But before he had any chance to react to this, something grabbed him by the neck rather roughly. He squirmed and hissed, but there was no way for him to escape this iron grip – and he had no chance to defend himself either. How was he supposed to bite a hand that had him by the neck? The commotion roused Aziraphale, too, and Crowley felt immense relief when he saw the angel stepping around the corner of one of the bookshelves.

The sight Aziraphale was presented with was…alarming, to put it mildly: There was a man in his shop who he had never seen before, and that man held a very firm and apparently expert grip on Crowley, who in turn was squirming and hissing and thrashing and trying desperately to somehow find any part of his captor that he could sink his teeth in.

“Excuse me, sir, but…”, Aziraphale started, but was immediately interrupted by the intruder: “Well, excuse _me_ , but is this your snake, sir?” Aziraphale hesitated. “Erm…well, yes. I wouldn’t know why this would be of any concern to you…” “Well, it does concern me. My daughter told me that there is a great black snake in this bookshop here, roaming free, and that she had no idea what kind of snake it even is. Frankly, I didn’t really believe her, though I was astonished that she couldn’t say what snake it was, so I came to see for myself…” Aziraphale felt a slight twinge of something akin to panic, mixed with something he usually wasn’t used to feeling at all: anger. “Well”, he began, “this may be as it may be, my good man, but this doesn’t give you any excuse to just storm in here and…and…grab…Will you let go of Crowley, for God’s sake?!” The man cocked his head. “The snake has a name? Well, anyway, you say I have no excuse to come in here and secure this serpent, but I’m telling _you_ that this is no way to keep a snake. You cannot keep it roaming free on the window sill! Any reasonable person will tell you this. It needs a proper terrarium with a heat lamp and all that. And do you even know what kind of snake this is? Because, to my surprise, I don’t and I’m a biologist and have been handling reptiles for years now.”

Aziraphale stared at the man for a moment, open-mouthed, searching for words. He was at a loss. What was he supposed to tell this man? “I think you should leave my shop. And leave Crow-…leave my snake alone. I think I know him better than you.” “So?”, the man didn’t seem convinced at all. “You know, this pretty much looks like a case for the RSPCA to me. How long have you had this snake? Because you don’t seem to have much of an idea about how to properly keep a snake. Maybe you should stick to selling books and leave this to experts. Or try a cat or something – a snake isn’t really a pet, you know? Especially not one this size.” Aziraphale huffed. “Excuse me, sir, but…you’re being impertinent. I must ask you to leave, really. I can assure you that I’ve know Cr-, this snake for a very long time – does he look ill to you? If not, then please refrain from threatening me with the RSPCA.” The man raised his eyebrows. “You’ve known him for a long time? How long?” Aziraphale sighed. “Er…well…eons, really…”, was the best he could come up with without flat out lying. “Eons…I see. Well, he does look healthy, but I’m pretty sure this will change if you continue to keep him like this. Besides, he does behave rather aggressively. Do you know which kind of snake this is? Is he poisonous? I don’t mean to be blunt, but it seems to me that you have no idea about keeping snakes. How often do you feed him? What do you feed him? What temperature and air humidity does he need? Where does he even come from?” Aziraphale’s pale, wide-eyed and increasingly panic-stricken face seemed to tell the stranger enough. “You don’t even know if this serpent is dangerous. And you don’t have a clue about how to keep it healthy, either. Sorry, but I really have to intervene here – this situation is dangerous for the snake as well as for everybody else.”

The angel shook his head, his emotions a peculiar mixture of panic, anger and incredulity. This couldn’t be happening, right? “You cannot just come in here and”, he began, but the stranger was already trying to fish out his mobile phone with one hand while still keeping a firm grip around Crowley’s neck with the other. Crowley had stopped squirming and instead had listened to the exchange between his captor and Aziraphale. Normal snakes are practically deaf, but well, he wasn’t a normal snake after all. Since there was only one hand holding him now and since Aziraphale’s pale, scared face was all the motivation he needed, he began to squirm again and – transformed. Enough was enough, after all, and Crowley was pretty fed up with this whole messed-up situation by now. Give this insufferable know-it-all of a human a good shock and be done with it!

Indeed, the man let out a startled yelp when, all of a sudden, he no longer held a serpent in his hand, but found himself pushed away and shoved against the next bookshelf, and not by that very confused shop owner he’d been talking to. How was this even possible? He was most definitely hallucinating. Had the snake managed to bite him after all? But…how? When? But no, this wasn’t the answer. He had no time to further contemplate the question, however, not with those furious and…much too snake-like eyes glaring at him. “Trying to make a call, are we? Well, I sssuggesst you reconsssider”, Crowley hissed at him. “How dare you? How dare you come in here like you own the place? You’re a biologist? You know what I call people like you? Inssssufferable! Arrogant, ssstuck-up know-it-all!” The human whimpered. “H-how…how is this…? Who…? _What_ are you???”, he finally managed. A dangerous grin crept over Crowley’s face. “Oh, you’d like to know, wouldn’t you? Wanna know what kinda snake I am? I’m the Serpent of Eden! And now…bugger off!” With that, he gave the man a rough push in the direction of the door. The man stumbled and almost fell, but quickly scrambled to get to the door, panic written all over his face. But Crowley grabbed his sleeve once more and didn’t let go. He had just decided that he wasn’t quite done yet: “Oh, one more thing, biologist: Don’t worry”, Crowley’s voice was dangerously honey-sweet now, “I feel perfectly fine here. No snake harmed here, no need to make such a fuss.” The man began to nod, wide-eyed, still unable to fully comprehend what was going on or _how_ it was going on. Crowley’s deceptive smile quickly turned into a scowl. “Oh, and if you ever, _ever_ dare to grab me by the neck again or to bother Mister Fell here…or if you even dare to talk about this to anyone, I’ll find you and I’ll make sure you’ll regret the day you were born.” With that, Crowley let him go and the man wasted no time running out of the bookshop as quickly as his shaking legs would carry him.

Crowley stared after him for a while, until he felt a hand on his arm. He half turned to look at Aziraphale who was alternately watching him and the door. “That was…rather harsh”, the angel remarked. The demon shrugged, pulled out a pair of sunglasses from Somebody knew where and put them on with a grin. “Well, I don’t fancy being woken up like that. He was clearly an idiot… _and_ he threatened you. Didn’t like that. Didn’t like that at all.” “Do you think he’ll…do anything…?” Aziraphale, while feeling rather flattered by Crowley’s protectiveness, still felt a bit worried, but Crowley just shrugged, shook his head and chuckled. “Nah, he won’t remember anything clearly…Just that he really, _really_ shouldn’t come here again…” “And…what about his…his daughter? I guess that must have been that…teenage girl who wanted to…to buy you…”

Now Crowley actually began to laugh. “Well, let her try! I’m not for sale! But nah, I don’t think she’ll remember too much, either…Anyway, Angel, since my nap time has been so rudely cut short…what do you think? Wanna close the shop for today? I’m a bit tired of scaring off potential customers for one day. Didn’t expect that to be so dangerous. Humans really are foolish”, he added, grumbling. Aziraphale chuckled good-humouredly. He seemed very relieved. “Well, I agree…I’ve had…quite enough of dealing with people in my shop for today…I guess I could close down and we could go for a walk in the park and feed the ducks…Enjoy the nice weather…or…or what would you say to a picnic?”, Aziraphale asked, his own idea bringing a smile to his face and a sparkle to his eyes. “Ngk…yeah…whatever you like, Angel…” Well, if this ended in a picnic with both of them enjoying some nice wine and him getting the chance to watch the angel enjoy some food, maybe being woken up like that and having to deal with annoying know-it-alls now and again was worth it. Aziraphale brightened up visibly, flipped the sign at the door to “ _Closed_ ” and clasped his hands together. “Well then! Let’s prepare some picnic, shall we?” With that, he tugged on Crowley’s sleeve to get him to follow him into the kitchen. The demon didn’t need a second invitation, he sauntered after the angel, an amused grin on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> I sort of came up with this idea of how people might react to Crowley as a snake in the bookshop...I entirely blame this on the warm summer sun I was enjoying in the garden at that time. And well, I guess my own "Oh how cool!"-approach to animals of all kinds is also somewhat to blame here...  
> Anyway, I hope you like it...Let me know what you think...


End file.
